Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
