If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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