Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
