Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
