If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
