Your face is a jimmy john
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
