There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
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