Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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