omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize