if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
