i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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