i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
