Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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