My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize