We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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