My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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