I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
