Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
