im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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