He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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