if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
