Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize