At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
