it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize