booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
