I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
