Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
