So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
