my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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