How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
