There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
