my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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