i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
