just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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