you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
