so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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