You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
