Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
