I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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