Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
