I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
