We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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