girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
