the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
