can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
