you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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