Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
