The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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