My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
