Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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