Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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