dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
