We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize