I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
