Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
