i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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