Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
