I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
